Abandonment
The child who experiences abandonment feels unwanted, rejected by his or her own parents, and deals with feelings of worthlessness that cause shame
Jenny certainly questioned why Lulu left her, if she could have done anything else. Jenny just wanted that one opportunity for Lulu to walk back through the door. At each foster home, Jenny, at 4.30, would have tidied her room and made a welcome home card… just in case!!!
Speaking from my own experience, our adopted girls had been to several foster homes prior to staying with us. One of my daughters would sleep on the floor and was certain that this was probably because she did not feel worthy enough to sleep in a bed.
A point I will never forget at the preadoption workshops is that when children are adopted there is a hole, that despite the love you throw at them, that hole will never be filled. I feel, this might be true after a certain age, but not when they are younger, or at least not in our experience.
A child that loses a parent can feel abandoned. They feel confused and sometimes overwhelmed when faced with new carers, new schools and new homes. Often children are not articulate enough to express their feeling in words.
However, there are strategies to assist.
Self-worth – Patrica in the story did not want Jenny to write to her parents as her parents were separating and she thought she had caused enough trouble already and she was the reason they were splitting. Jenny always tidied her room in foster care, in the hope that at 4.30, just before tea, Lulu would come back and like the room. Believing her untidy room at home might have been the cause for Lulu’s departure.
I feel it is important to let the child know that they are young and they will make mistakes, leave their toys all over the room, and it is the parent's job to teach them.
I also feel it is worth pointing out that some parents in the interest of their child, would prefer them to be adopted in the hope they would have a better start in life, and this is because they loved them so much.
Birth parents – Jenny struggled with the questions that kept spinning in her head why, why, why. She was concerned that if she kept on about Lulu, her adoptive parents might not understand and even possibly abandon her. Jenny did not open up to adoptive parents and instead turned to self-harm. This is totally understandable.
However, I feel it is important to be open with the children. They often come with a life story appropriate for their age. This is a good starting point to go through this and talk to them about Uncle Fred and what he was like and if they enjoyed ballet. Once they trust you, they will open up about their birth parents.
Expressing their feeling – Jenny expressed her feelings through writing poetry, that Elly turned into a song. But some children might be too you to write. When one of my daughters was clearly upset and her bottom lip was protruding, I would ask her to draw what she was thinking. Now, this would often turn into a game, as I guessed what she was drawing. By the end, no longer was she digging trenches in the tabletop with her biro, but instead the biro was flowing freely.
It does not matter how the children want to communicate, if Jenny wishes to write poetry, or Elly sing songs or even little Patricia writing a letter instead of vocalising her thoughts that is fine, the important thing is this their way of communicating and at least they are communicating.
I would also encourage our children to use a secret word. This could be anything, but if they said it, it meant they were finding things too much and needed time out.
Positive reinforcement – Fabula in the story is a very good example of this, always given encouragement and praise, and this is easy when they have done something well. However, when they done something wrong, I feel no matter what age; you try to discuss this with them. Why they did it and the consequences. This is when the boundaries that have been set come into play. An example of this in the story is when Jade caught the girls rehearsing the Christmas Play in their dorm after lights out. Jade was going to punish them, but the girls pointed out that Rev Dev told Molly to practise her words by which ever method. Pointing out to Jade that if she insisted on a punishment, they would have to explain to Rev dev the reason for the interruption.
I feel this is the same principle, if the child knows and understands the consequences of their behaviour, then they are responsible for their wrongdoings.
Feeling at home – This came through in the story, Jenny despite being bullied due to her friends Molly and Elly and her positive relationship with Fabula, she felt at home at Quantock College. This, I believe, is the same, involve the extended family and their children. When they are more confident encourage them to join clubs and make friends. One on my daughters would ask me maybe 3 or 4 times a day if I loved her I would always reply “yes”. On this particular day I replied “no, why would I”. For what seemed like an eternity there was silence, then she turned to me and said “yes you do” and skipped off.
Communication – Communication is king, look how Jenny persisted with Molly in discovering she could not remember her words. I always told my children that if they did not understand a word in the playground to come and tell me and I would explain the meaning. Well one day my son came home and he said he had learnt two naughty words. I thanked him for telling me and asked him what they were. The first was bloody and I told him that he was right to tell me but should not use it. “The second was much worse” he said. Bracing myself for what was coming, and more importantly wondering how I was going to explain what I thought the word was, he blurted out “hell”. On another occasion my daughter asked to for a drive, we ended parking in our local B & Q car park where she said “I have something to tell you.” In that briefest of moments, a whirlwind of thoughts spun in my head. Until she said “I have taken up smoking” so relieved I asked her to roll me one.
However, once they trust you at an early age they will come to you throughout hopefully more at home and secure and less abandoned.
However, once they trust you at an early age they will come to you throughout hopefully more at home and secure and less abandoned.
Researching this topic further it is helpful to:
Do not assume that they have spoken about this before, you might be the first you are telling.
Always listen and give them your undivided attention, give them the opportunity and space to talk.
Reflet, on what has been said, if your concerned for the young person, talk to them and speak to somebody in authority. A good starting point is your local doctor.
Sign post them in the right direction with the assistance of the doctor or other professional. But always let them know you are there for them and able to come to you and talk.If it is urgent, please refer to the following link where you will find support.
If you require urgent support please refer to the following link
https://www.youngminds.org.uk/young-person/find-help/i-need-urgent-help/
other usefeul links
https://cptsdfoundation.org/2022/08/29/the-agony-of-abandonment/
https://abidinglovecharities.org/2022/11/08/acknowledging-the-impact-of-adoptee-abandonment-issues/
